Tat sounded stupid, why did you say that? Tese people think youre an idiot. You look so awkward. Tose circles around your eyes are disgusting. No woman could ever want you Tese were just a few of the motivating things I said to myself on a daily basis. Of course, meeting women, going on dates, and getting a girlfriend were completely of the map. I was convinced that no woman could possibly fnd me attractive. Sure enough, I never went on dates or had a girlfriend. On top of all that, I didnt believe I was good enough to pursue the career I was most passionate about.
I loved creating elaborate models, settings, and animations in a 3D art design program called 3D Studio Max. I dreamed of one day being a 3D artist for a video game company. In response to that dream, I would tell myself: You arent talented enough. Who do you think you are? Other people are so much better than you are whats the point? And public speaking? Ha, yeah right! I couldnt even look a stranger in the eye, how was I going to get up in front of a group of thirty people and speak confdently? No, I avoided public speaking like the plague. So there I was -- feeling shy, lonely, hopeless, and miserable.
Worst of all, I didnt think there was anything I could do about it. Maybe thats how I kept some hope alive. When I was in middle school, I imagined high school would be better. More friends, more women, more parties. Yeah, thats it. High schools the ticket! When high school was absolutely no diferent, I started telling myself college was when the magic was going to happen. Co-eds and parties everywhere!
Certainly then Id start having the life I want. Was college any diferent?
Same old fears, shyness, and inhibitions. Same old Aziz. I kept using the someday will magically be better strategy for another few years, until one day something inside of me just snapped. I wish I could say it was a glorious moment where I realized the truth and immediately felt free. Actually it came from one of the most painful nights of my life I thought some people were just confident, charismatic, and good looking, and others werent.
In short, I was a loser and this was just my lot in life. Id been pining over Cindy for months. She had long black hair, big brown eyes, and a bright smile shed fash after making a witty joke. She was from L. She was amazing, and I was in love. After several months of working together, I fnally worked up the courage to ask her out to lunch one day. To my surprise and delight she said yes! Tis was the third woman Id ever asked out.
I was years- old. I thought the lunch was fantastic. I asked her questions, shared about myself, and made jokes. I was friendly, warm, and enthusiastic. Afterwards, I couldnt wait to see her again. Te next time we met up at work, I was planning on asking her out again. But something had shifted. She interacted with me less and was more distant. After our shift, I waited for her outside of the building. When she came out, I told her I really loved hanging out and wanted to go on a date with her.
Tere was a longer-than-what-youd-hope-for-in-this-kind-of-situation pause, and then a certain look. If youve ever been a shy guy who was failing with a girl, then you know the look. Its the youre a nice guy so I dont want to hurt your feelings, but Im not that into you look. We should hang out sometime. After this, she took longer and longer to return my calls and began ignoring me more at work. About a week later, I fnally got it. She doesnt want to go out with me. Shes not interested. It felt terrible. I still remember the moment when I really got it. I saw her chatting with another guy at work.
She was laughing and having a great time. I had to get out of there When I got home that evening, the lights in the living room were of. My roommate was in his room with the door closed. I made myself a bowl of pasta and went into my room to distract myself from my woes with some video games. So there I was -- years-old, alone at night, unable to get a date, and playing video games in my room.
Feeling pretty low. Tings cant get much worse than this I thought. And then I heard the light murmur of female laughter. Such a sweet sound. It was my roommate Chris girlfriend. She must be in his room with him. Ten I could hear the mufed sound of his voice, occasionally punctuated by the laughter of the woman who loved him. Ill never have that, I thought to myself. I guess things could get worse. Tis isnt right. I cant take this. I cant live like this anymore. Nothings going to change on its own.
Nothing is going to be diferent. If nothing has changed by now, then nothing ever will. I have to do something about this now! Te same place that anyone goes to fnd answersthe Internet!
Master your self-esteem challenge
I tore through that material like a ravenous man eating his frst meal after a month. It suggested things I was really uncomfortable doing like talking to women I didnt know. Imagine that! I ordered more programs and began studying shyness and social anxiety more and more. I ordered self-help books on Amazon. As I started to learn things and apply them, I realized the biggest confdence secret of my life: Social confdence is a skill.
Im learning it now. Anyone can learn this! I began sharing what I was learning with my few friends who also happened to be shy, single, lonely guys. Tey started asking me for advice on how to meet women, and how to be more confdent in other areas. I became obsessed with learning this skill. Over the next ten years of my life, I read over one hundred self-help books, listened to hundreds of hours of audio programs, and went to dozens of seminars. I sought out therapy, coaching, and a mens group.
I sought out training with some of the worlds leading teachers and transformation specialists, including Tony Robbins and David Burns. And that urgency became my biggest asset. Most importantly, I was constantly applying everything I learned about confdence. Anything that helped me, I shared with friends and clients. As I did this, my life completely transformed. I was able to approach beautiful women, start conversations, and get dates.
I was able to meet new people, chat with strangers, and make new friends. I went on crazy, fun, exciting adventures Ill remember and cherish for the rest of my life. I was able to speak to people in positions of authority and give confdent presentations and talks to groups of any size. I felt like Neo in the Matrix! I began to see patterns of what helped someone break out of shyness and what kept them stuck. I could see what people needed to do in order to get free, and do so quickly. And thats what Ive included in this book.
But, before you can learn the steps, we have to take a moment to debunk the biggest myths about confdence. Tese are false beliefs that kept me and many others stuck in shyness for years. Once you can see through these, then putting the fve steps into practice will be much easier. Many people believe them -- maybe even most people. But they still arent true. And as long as you believe them, itll make it very difcult to break out of your shell. Lets explore and debunk these top confdence myths, shall we? Confdence Myth 1 Hes A Natural a.
Teyre comfortable in themselves, have high self-esteem, and people naturally like them. Teyre good looking, popular in school, and go on to have successful careers. Teyre blessed with confdence. Others are just born shy and socially inept. Teyre awkward, weird, and unattractive. Teyre destined to live a life of solitude, mediocrity, and loneliness. Teyre permanently doomed to a pathetically low number of Facebook likes on all their posts. Tis myth says confdence is an innate trait like eye color and you cant do much to change things. It says theres a fundamental diference between the confdent, popular people and you.
It says no matter what you do, you cant change your lot in life and youre never going to be the kind of guy who women want to talk to. Tis myth is complete and total bullshit. Confdence is a learned response. Its a pattern of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, all of which you learn as youre growing up. Some people happen to learn it earlier than others if theyre lucky.
Tey might learn it from their parents or at school when theyre young. By the time they get to high school, theyve learned how to think, feel, and act confdently. You, on the other hand, might not have picked it up yet. And thats okay. You can learn it now. In fact, Ill teach you how in the next section. Teyre just like you. Teyre not a diferent species. In order to do learn this skill, you must get rid of the idea confident people are somehow different or fundamentally better than you. On rare occasions, this can sometimes work, but its only temporary at best. Te problem with this is, how can you fake confdence when youre really nervous?
How do you fake confdence when you dont have anything to say in a conversation? How do you fake confdence when youre about to give a talk and your face is as red as a tomato and your throat feels like Darth Vader is squeezing it with his death grip? I found this well-intentioned advice always left me feeling worse. It implied I should somehow be able to just force my way out of shyness and into confdence.
When I was unable to do this, I blamed myself for falling short and felt even worse. Te reality is shyness involves a complex pattern of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. You must learn how to address each of these inside of yourself systematically, so you can transform from the inside out. Because confdence, as youll see in the next myth, is an inside job. Te steps below will teach you how to identify and disarm each aspect of social anxiety.
Ten, when you take a risk and try something outside of your comfort zone, youre doing much more than faking it. Instead, youre fundamentally changing the way you see the world, and behaving diferently as a result. Teres sugar all over the pavement and Homer pulls over to fll his car to the brim with the white gold, as he calls it.
After many failed attempts to sell the free sugar for proft, hes reduced to guarding his newfound treasure in the back yard. After staying up all night to protect his pile of sugar from sugar thieves, hes utterly exhausted. When Marge comes to greet him the next morning, hes sitting in a half-asleep stupor saying: In America, frst you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women. Tis describes the third confdence myth quite well. Tis myth states if I earned more money, had a better job, owned a better car, or wore nicer clothes, then Id feel more confdent.
It also states if I were better looking, thinner, taller, more muscular, or otherwise more physically attractive, then Id feel more confdent. Tis is a tough one to break free from. It feels so true, doesnt it? Jim Carey highlights this myth in this hilarious clip about how he acts diferently now that he has more money: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii In this country, you gotta make the money first.
Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, you get the women. Ive met absolutely gorgeous women who are impeccably dressed and have perfect hair and teeth. Men who see them cant help themselves from staring in awe at their beauty. But on the inside, these women feel painfully insecure and self-critical. Tey dont like their thighs, their lips, their toes. Tey dont feel competent in their careers or as partners, friends, or mothers.
In short, they dont feel confdent at all. Ive worked with men who are incredibly wealthy worth hundreds of millions of dollars. Tey can go anywhere, buy anything, and do anything. And they imagine people dont like them because they arent funny enough, or relaxed enough, or witty enough. I hope this is resonating with you. If not, you just have to trust me on this. Confdence is an inside job. It wont spontaneously emerge when you obtain perfection or reach some income level. Confidence comes from what you do inside of your own mind, and nothing else. Tis is the myth that exists inside of your own mind and tells you deep down theres something wrong with you.
It tells you youre somehow defective, weird, or otherwise unlovable. It says if people got close to you, and really got to know all of you, theyd be repulsed. Its constantly there by your side, whispering its toxic message into your mind. De-bunking this myth is essential if you ever want to create a life of confdence. When your mind tells you others wont like you because theres something wrong with you, its just being lazy. Te challenges youre having arent due to some mysterious deep faw or defect. Teyre actually due to very specifc, small things you can address and change.
Perhaps women dont respond well because youre being overly approval-seeking. Perhaps you dont have the friendships you want because you arent taking the initiative to approach people youre interested in. Perhaps you dont have the position you want in your company because you avoided all opportunities that involved standing out. Teres nothing wrong with you. Any time you hear your mind saying that, catch it. Banish that slimy bastard Worm Tongue, and bring your attention back to very specifc, simple things to which you can address and make changes.
Tats where your confdence lies! The truth is theres nothing fundamentally wrong with you. Troughout the day, youre coaching yourself in your own mind. Tis includes how you speak to yourself, how you treat yourself, and how you guide yourself through difcult times. You must master this skill if youd like to become more confdent in yourself.
To get a sense of how you coach yourself, think about something that's challenging to you. Maybe its speaking in front of a group of people you don't know. Perhaps its approaching an attractive woman youre interested in and introducing yourself. Pick a situation thats a challenge to you, and imagine being in that situation now. See the group of people, or that beautiful woman, and notice what you typically say to yourself. Before you give a talk or presentation you might be thinking: Oh my god, I'm so nervous I can't do this.
I'm going to mess this up. I better not mess this up. I'm going to get up there and I'm going to forget my lines. It's going to be so awkward and terrible. Teyre going to wonder why they even hired me. I cant do this. I dont want to be here. Shes going to be creeped out and think Im a total loser. Besides she doesnt want to talk to me anyways. Shell be annoyed and uncomfortable if I try to start a conversation. Does this kind of coaching sound familiar?
Is this efective coaching? Does it make you want to do the thing youre scared to do? Does it help you fnd creative solutions? The Toxic Coach Unfortunately, for many of us, our default coach doesnt ofer support, encouragement, praise, and inspiration.
5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence
Its full of fear, doubt, and self-attack. Is this the kind of coach youd want to have for your favorite team? Imagine the coach of your team saying this to his players during half time: Tose guys are so much better than you are. I dont see how you could possibly win.
How to Stop Living in Fear and Use it to Your Advantage | Tony Robbins
Youre so terrible and you miss everything. You guys are just not good enough. Now get out there and dont mess up. Move over Tom Landry! Hows the team going to perform? It's ridiculous when we think about it in terms of an actual coach and a team. But if you pay attention to how you talk to yourself, you might be surprised to hear this type of coaching all the time.
Imagine going to your favorite restaurant and taking a seat next to a table with a father and son. If the father were talking to his son in the same way you talk to yourself in your own mind, youd be outraged. Youd be appalled if you heard a father telling his son he was stupid, awkward, and not good enough. It would be totally unacceptable.
And yet, you might be treating yourself like this on a daily basis. Tis is a toxic coach. Before you change your wardrobe, or get a new car, or learn a pick-up line, you must address how you coach yourself, how you speak to yourself. To do this, frst start paying attention to how you already coach yourself. For the next week, notice how you talk to yourself. Pay particular attention before you do something thats scary, or challenging, or uncomfortable for you. Tis can include meeting new people, going somewhere new, speaking in front of a group, dating, or doing anything where you perform job interview, presentation, etc.
When youre feeling down, or tense, or anxious, pay attention to what your coach is saying. Usually hes giving a lengthy lecture about whats wrong with you and why youre not enough. Once youve noticed this coach in action, you must choose to change the way you speak to yourself.
In order to develop confdence, you must fre your old toxic coach and decide to hire a positive, healthy coach. Tis is a coach that encourages, inspires, and motivates his team to believe in themselves, step up, take risks, and do their best. A toxic coach destroys your inner confidence, no matter how much you achieve externally.
We all need regular and frequent encouragement and support to succeed. It might be speaking in front of that group, approaching that woman, or doing something that really challenges and scares you. In order to pull this of, you need to be able to encourage and support yourself, before during and afterwards.
Regularly ask yourself: What would be the best way to coach myself right now? How could I be a better coach to myself? Tink of good coaches youve had. Remember mentors, teachers, and other supportive people whove believed in you in your life. Even if you dont know the person, you can draw upon the guidance of an author, leader, or sports coach you admire. Ask yourself, what would this person say to me? Coaching Yourself To Confidence Keep in mind the way youve been coaching yourself, this toxic coach, is simply a negative pattern or habit. It might be a habit youve had for years, but its still just a habit.
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- Power Of Your Subconscious Mind: How To Overcome Limiting Beliefs -.
- Power Of Your Subconscious Mind: How To Overcome Limiting Beliefs.
- 2. Cut out the social comparison..
- Cyberactivism: Online Activism in Theory and Practice.
- 1. Watch your self-talk.;
In order to shift this habit, you can use whats called overcorrection. Tis means you overcorrect, or use the new coaching style way more than you normally would until it becomes conditioned as your new pattern. To do this, actively speak and think the healthy coaching phrases to yourself throughout the entire day. At least ten times a day, notice what you're doing and actively encourage, support and praise yourself. To give this even more impact, you can use your own name.
Referring to yourself in the third person actually has a strong impact on your mind. For example, let's say I was going to give a presentation. Ive spoken hundreds of times in front of groups, and yet I still actively coach myself beforehand with positive, healthy encouragement. Ill say something like: You got this Aziz. Youre an incredibly efective speaker and communicator.
Youre playful, creative, courageous and you help people understand things with great ease. Would you rather try something a little cheesy or continue to use the default coach? He might say: You cant do this. Youre terrible at speaking. No ones interested. You arent good enough. Which would you prefer? Which one is going to help you more? To create a lasting change in your coaching style, you must do it regularly throughout the day.
- A Comfortable Theory (Japanese Edition).
- UNTIL THE HEART BREAKS: Previously published as Ghosts In Sunlight.
When you get up out of bed without hitting snooze, praise yourself for being disciplined. When you eat something healthy for lunch, you praise yourself for that choice. You can do this in your own mind or out loud. It tends to have more impact and be more powerful when you speak the voice of this coach out loud. Keep your eyes open for when you do something well. A good coach is very skillful at noticing success in his players, and highlighting this so he knows what hes doing right. Take Action: Celebrate Your Success!
To further strengthen your healthy coach, try this exercise. At the end of each day, sit down with a sheet of paper or a journal and ask yourself: what are three successes from the day, three things you did well in? These can be small and personal successes, or big public successes. Making this practice part of your day will rapidly develop a healthy inner coach that nourishes, supports, strengthens and inspires you.
Te story that you tell yourself is how you describe what's happening around you and inside of you. It's the way you make meaning out of the events in your life. For example, lets say you are single and you want to connect with a woman in your life. Imagine you are at the supermarket and you happen to see a gorgeous woman looking at fresh juices in the refrigerated isle.
Youve been practicing some and have gained some courage to follow your desires, so you go and speak with her. She gives you a smile and kind of an awkward grin. It looks more like a grimace to you. Sound confusing? Try imagining yourself when you are 80 years old, nearing the end of your life. You are sitting in your rocking chair, reflecting on how you lived your life.
Now, look back on your life as if you had not achieved the goal you are after at this moment in your life. How has this affected the course of your life? What are your regrets? What do you wish you had made more time for? What do you wish you had tried? Is there sadness and regret? And we start to hide behind those excuses. But excuses will also bring you back to exactly where you started.
So remember that the next time an excuse floats into your mind. Are you truly where you want to be in life? Or are you falling back on fear and choosing to be comfortable instead of facing a challenge? People often give up on what they want because they believe that reaching their goal is beyond their abilities. But the most successful people foster a growth mindset. You can take it one step at a time, and no one will ever force you to share, but once you get here, you just might find it's hard to stop.
There is no magic pill that can give you lasting confidence. But there are incredibly powerful activities and exercises that can help you break through faster than ever before IF you play full out. This means you engage fully in all the activities and exercises in order to experience a profound shift in your confidence. Real People. Real Confidence Success Stories. Below are just a small number of the people who've shared how much they've gotten out of weekend intensives and working directly with Dr. I approached beautiful women and began conversations with them.
I'm more confident already because I know I can do things I once feared. It helped me breakthrough my own internal barriers and truly own who I really am - an awesome, attractive man with so much to bring to the table. Aziz and his team are phenomenal and totally get what it feels like to live with social anxiety and what it takes to fix it. People want to talk with me. I had so many experiences of people responding positively, it blew my mind. I now know without a doubt that I can gain confidence!
Aziz is NOT a pick-up artist running a bootcamp on how to get laid. He's teaching men how to be their most powerful, authentic, confident, badass selves in the world. It's about knowing you are awesome, creating amazing connections with women and anyone else you want to, and being more bold in life. It's helped me tremendously in running my own business - from sales, to hiring, to decision-making. Aziz's guidance, support, and training has been life-changing. Aziz is awesome! He changed my life. From social anxiety to social domination.
From no-one-wants-to-hire-me to I'm starting my own business and have more confidence than ever. Thank you! I have had some dates which in the past I just could not have initiated. What he taught me was life changing. I am now able to better handle failure and disappointment. In fact I developed deep love and compassion for myself overtime.
I have also increased my self esteem. This program is amazing! It feels good to be able to communicate confidently and effectively. Aziz my life was stuck in a vicious cycle of repeating the same patterns that didn't work, over and over again. He taught me how to break out of the old patterns so I could assert myself powerfully in my work. I work in public health in dire situations in Africa, and if I don't speak up, then people die.
Aziz has helped me confidently speak up and influence leaders to literally save people's lives. I would highly recommend this weekend to everyone that can take advantage of this. I came here thinking I wanted to be more successful at work, and I'm leaving inspired to be a better person. I would get weird tightness and pain in my chest and I eventually hit a breaking point and I wanted to change.
I wanted to be able to date and just feel more free in social interactions. Everything I learn from Dr. Aziz is so helpful. No matter how long you've been stuck, how much you've tried in the past, or how "different" or "broken" you think you are, it's all false. It's just a bunch of negative stories in your head. The truth is, you can dramatically shift your confidence levels in relatively short periods of time.